Victoria Dorimain

Recently, a friend told me she was newly expecting. 
She was just starting the third semester of her PhD. 

I was thrilled for her, but then she asked: 

“Do you think I’m making a mistake? Does it seem crazy?” 

Her questions genuinely surprised me. 

Who was I to decide whether she was making a mistake or not? 
This was her life, and only she truly knew the ins and outs of it all. 

Sure, there would be unknowns; having a child while navigating the demands of a PhD is no small thing. But that’s life: full of unpredictability, beauty, and growth that often comes from the unexpected. 

Her question brought me back to when I hesitated before starting my own PhD. 
I was already a mom. I was working full-time, and I needed a stable income. 
And yet, I felt a strong pull to do something for myself. 
I needed that space for self-actualization and growth. 

Was I fully aware of how hard it would be or what sacrifices would be required? 
Absolutely not. 
Did I know everything that lay ahead? 
Nope. 
But that’s what life is. 

It’s unpredictable. Messy. Beautiful. 
And sometimes, if we’re lucky, transformative. 

We can try to plan the “right time” for everything, but one thing I’ve learned is this: 

Life doesn’t wait. 

We can’t always put essential parts of ourselves on pause. Timing matters, but it’s not everything. Even the best-laid plans don’t guarantee smooth sailing. 

Sure, postponing certain goals is possible, but only if you feel at peace with that choice. If not, that pause can become a lingering sense that something’s missing. I’ve experienced that feeling. It brings stress and a sense of unease. 

Are there challenges to parenting while doing a PhD and working? 
Yes, absolutely. 

Is it a reason to give up on any of those roles? 
No. 

Adjustments are necessary. It’s a constant balancing act. 
At times, certain parts of our lives will take the spotlight, while others sit on the back burner. But those roles can rotate, and that’s okay. That’s how real life works. 

If there’s one truth I’ve come to embrace, it’s this: 

Life is not meant to be perfectly timed. It’s meant to be lived. 

And you must live it fully, not as a spectator watching it unfolds like a movie that doesn’t concern you. 

Being a PhD parent means accepting that we’re not perfect. 
Sometimes there will be chaos. 
Sometimes we’ll drop the ball. 
But we don’t have to do it all perfectly. 
And we don’t have to do it all alone. 

We are human, full of dreams, desires, needs, emotions, strengths and weaknesses. 
We owe it to ourselves to give grace, ask for help, and let go of unrealistic expectations. 

So, if you’ve chosen this path and life throws you curveballs, don’t feel ashamed. 
That’s part of the journey. That’s part of being alive. 

You can’t live your life consumed by how others might see you, only you truly know your path and your truth.  

So, to my friend, and to anyone standing at the edge of a big life decision, know this: 
You don’t have to choose between growing your family and growing yourself. 
You are allowed to pursue both. 
You are allowed to try. 
You are allowed to hope. 
And even when it gets messy, know that you are showing up, living your truth, and writing a story that’s yours, and that’s something to be deeply proud of. 

You are not crazy. 
You are courageous.

With a dash of chaos,

Victoria 🙂